Need help

I think I've gone mad. Not the raving-lunatic-wielding-a-knife-threatening-to-shed-blood, and not the oh-my-god-i can't-take-any-more-drama mad either. The I talk to myself aloud when I'm alone, I can hear voices having arguments in my head all the time mad. I am that.

I've been going through the craziest mood swings in history. I might even be bi-polar. I've also been going through some random crazy situations...

1. I have 1 month to go before I get married to Muthu. I am super excited and can't wait for the thing around my neck and to forever be his...

2. My mom has stopped talking to me completely. Before, no matter how extreme the fight, she'll send me creepy messages on my phone. But now, that's stopped too. She is embarrassed by the choice I've made. She's mad at my adamant mind. She is depressed about what the society is going to think. And I'm tormented by what she must be going through. I'm almost very sure she's going to kill herself or me or Muthu within the next month.

3. Since I moved to Melbourne a year back, I haven't had "one" regular cycle. Not one. For a whole year. I finally got the local gynaec to confirm that this isn't normal at all (something my local GP kept saying it was). She put me on medication and lo and behold I've had 2 cycles in 3 weeks! :| This has thrown my hormones all over my apartment, which I have to clean since we are moving out of the current one anyway. Imagine a whole year of eggs being pushed out all at once.. Ladies, imagine a whole year of periods and cramps happening in one single go. Someone get me morphine!

4. MY wedding preparations have been "taken over" by my dad's relatives. Except however, apart from taking control from me, they haven't really done much. And control-freak-me is trying not to yell and scream at the whole world, apart from Muthu who gets yelled at for no reason and I'm certain on the wedding day, he  is not going to turn up fearing his life and sanity.

5. I'm planning to take some drastic career moves as well. Not the best of time with the wedding, the house shifting, the hormones and the voices in my head, but this must be done now. I only have 24 hours every day and I spend about 28 hrs worrying about my decisions...

6. The stupid medicines my gynaec put me on are supposed to lower my blood glucose levels. And unfortunately, they do a damn good job of that. I wake up each morning feeling drained and completely out. AND they're supposed to cause major mood swings. Ta-da! There's something I can blame entirely, but what about points 1 to 5??

Ok. One voice in my head tells me I need to stretch out and sleep now. The other one's telling me to go out for a smoke, I think there's a third one that's asking me to eat something.

From all of us here in my head, merry christmas everyone! Oh, and a happy new year!

Holding on

It's a clear night outside.
The cold touches my skin but I don't feel it
I sit alone in the dark
Holding my knees close.

Inside, my old playlist plays old tunes
Songs that meant something
To my old self
Songs that soothed
Songs that confused

I ponder over days to come
About memories that will change
About years gone by
About mistakes and sins

I think about hearts broken
About promises made
I yearn for the familiar touch
Of the one I love

Messages are exchanged
Love notes and such
I worry about days to come
I worry about the life we've promised each other

I want to stand on the edge of a building
I want to look down and see life go by
I want to grab life and make it mine
But I also want to watch it slip off my hands

I haven't written in a while
Does that mean I haven't pondered enough?
Does that mean I really have let life go by?
Without trying to stay true to who I am?

I want a chorus now
I want a background voice
Singing and repeating everything I believe
Singing and repeating everything that has been sung

What a disgrace.

A few months ago, a mob in Delhi attempted to rape a girl in full public view. Now, another "mob" molests girl in Assam. A high school kid. What the hell is going on with this world? https://www.facebook.com/amar.jyotikalita.7 is apparently one of the scumbags involved in the Assam molestation. I don't know what's going on here. Is this all a really badly played publicity stint? A few years down the line are we going to see this man running for elections ?

This is horrible.

Sad state of Indian affairs

When people in the west think of India, they mostly always think of elephants and dirty streets and crowded areas and dark skinned kids running around half naked and beggars and a country of many homeless people and slums and the color orange and curvy women and kids with bright eyes and hollow stomachs.

Indian kids go through a lot. Many are killed by their own parents because of their gender, even before they're born. Many more are abandoned for similar reasons. Many can't make their own choices because they are bound by the choices of their parents. And some are even abandoned for making these choices.

Right this instant, I feel like one of those in the last category. I feel orphaned even though my parents are still alive and well.(knock on wood).

My mom and dad can never agree on the
same thing. When they do it's only against the choices I make. I usually almost always give in when that happens. Just so I dont spoil the moment of seeing them together. The first time I ever stood my ground and they unanimously send me separate emails to tell me they dont want anything to do with me going forward. You read about these things. you watch these things on crappy Hindi movies. You expect this outcome even as you making your decision. But to actually read those words is like a slap across the face. Hard. 

Cheap thrills

I hate movies that have the scary guy/ villain/ghost jumping out from behind the door. Those cheap thrills/ stupid tricks at creating fear type movies. It gives me the creeps and bloody imaginative dreams.

Unfortunately, if I so much as watch 2 scenes of a movie, I must watch the rest of it to know how it ends. I'm 25! I shouldn't  be scared of Jeepers Creepers or the likes!

Must read reviews before I watch the movie.

We were fooled. The grass is dark and gray on the other side.

I believe I may have used the same topic in a different context. Anyhow. Being Indian and being in a relationship is tough. Really really tough. Well, I don't mean just between the two lovers. We still have the same complications couples all over the world have - the compatibility issues, the long distance issues (oh boy! this has to suck the most), the trust issues, the bedroom issues.  But we also have to worry about what the families think. Worry about what our relatives might say. And the latest nonsense - what all the one million random morons on each other's facebook profile might say. It's easier to go to a random friend's wall and proclaim your love than on your lover's page. You can Like a friend's comment as soon as it comes up. You can post little black hearts on your neighbour's random friend's sister's uncle's random somebody's wall. But, you think twice before you post comments on your lover's walls. Or maybe it's just me. Me and my constant need to have drama in my life. My obsession with always searching for a gray cloud to go with my silver lining. I go to bed almost every single night wondering if I did the right thing for the relationship. In the 2 years we've been seeing each other, we hadn't stayed away from each other for more than 3 days. It's been almost 3 months now since I moved overseas. We started with wanting to stay on skype all day long. Talking most of the time. Getting upset if the other wasn't reachable for even an hour. And now, we go 2 sometimes 3 days without video chatting. We have gone 2 days without talking to each for more than a couple of minutes. My work's been a nightmare and I would like to blame it endlessly for this sudden 'distance'. But, I get this feeling that I've just gotten used to this new routine now without even realising it. I don't like it one bit and it upsets me very often but I can't blame anyone but myself for this. And so, because I feel helpless, I get ticked off by the silliest things now. I need my uppu nyaaranga soda. NOW!

I can't wait to see him 19 days from now. I don't think I'll let him board his flight back home. What happened to 'Home is where the heart is'? Shouldn't his home be here, with me? Sigh. Maybe I shouldn't take up this new opportunity that's being offered to me at work. I should just get done with the project at hand and pack my bags out of here. Screw wanting to save up for the future. I just want to be able to go to sleep in his arms without worrying about anything else.

40 odd seconds and a smile

I met a man today on Little Longsdale street as I was walking towards my spanish class. He was walking towards me. Well, jogging really. He was a tiny man, tiny to me. He could've been about 5'6" tall. Not more. Skinny, spectacled and he wore his bag across his body - one of those sling bags that look too small to hold a laptop but too big to hold anything else. He was about 30 steps away from me and for a brief instant, we made eye contact. As he walked closer towards me, he stopped and picked up his bicycle that was chained to a pole. It looked like someone had knocked down the cycle while hurrying down the narrow footpath. He picked it up, steadied it against the pole, and continued his hurried walk past me. As he did, he looked at me again and smiled...

I saw him board the tram towards the city and looked back at the bicycle that was now leaning against the pole instead of the footpath. He didn't have to do what he did. He could have just walked past or stepped over. He could have just let the real owner pick up the bicycle, minutes or even hours later. But he stopped for those 40 odd seconds to do something kind.